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Bringing you a new scandal sheet

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Bringing you a new scandal sheet

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Saturday, 9 July 2011 Bringing you a new scandal sheet I read the other day that the News Of The World made profits of two million quid every week. Seeing as its going out of business now, there’s a gap in the market and a space in my wallet which can be filled. So if any of you happen to read this blog at least once a week, please be so kind as to send me a postal order for twenty thousand pounds. So, without further ado, lets get on to the shocking and non-obvious scandal.

Tabloid journalists are scum The world was temporarily knocked off its axis yesterday when the British public was told that some journalists are a criminal shower of shite who have no qualms about ruining peoples’ lives using illegal methods. One member of the public was quoted as saying “I don’t see what all the fuss is about, we have known for years that News International and its newspapers are disgraceful. Sure I remember The Sun publishing transcripts of Princess Diana’s phone calls back in the early 90’s.

The only people who seem to be shocked by recent revelations are the newspapers themselves”. Some politicians have dodgy mates Westminster was shaken to its foundations yesterday when it emerged that of all people, a Tory Prime Minister has connections to unsavory people. In further developments, it’s expected that today someone will allege that Ian Paisley is a gobshite and that Martin McGuinness is a thug.

Foreign dictators are very naughty men Previously lauded for his willingness to let western oil companies start drilling in Libya, Col. Gadaffi has finally been outed as a bloodthirsty, antisemitic, genocidal maniac. Speaking yesterday, President Obama said who’d have thunk that? OK, so he used to ship arms to the IRA, blow up passenger planes and fund Palestinian terrorist organisations – but those activities were all understandable. I’d never have imagined that this man would have been capable of killing his own people”. Woman in her 70’s looks her age During the 1960’s and 70’s Brigitte Bardot was the ultimate sex symbol. Now look at her! She’s really let herself go and does not look at all sexy!

The Pope of the Beartown is Catholic and craps in the woods The bears of Beartown were all of a flummox when the above news filtered out. Everyone thought he was a Methodist who dumped in the stream. The Belfast Newsgraph – we are responsible people. As a result of recent developments, The Belfast Newsgraph has committed itself to a new code of ethics. These include: no tits on page 3 on a Sunday our journalists will not start drinking before noon from now on, we will only tell lies in the interests of fun and entertainment we will decide who is good and who is bad we reserve the right to lynch anyone we damn well please we will only court politicians who look like winners after all this fuss dies down, we will do whatever the fuck we like ..

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