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All The Topless Ladies (Put A Shirt On It)

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All The Topless Ladies (Put A Shirt On It)

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Recently, a spate of A-list
celebrities—including Jennifer
Aniston
, Heidi Klum, Gwyneth
Paltrow
and Paris
Hilton
have decided to pose topless.
Anyone who knows me or has read my writing knows
I’m not a prude. If any consenting and lucid
adult wants to pose topless, or bottomless, or middleless, that is
their prerogative.

But there is something about this crop of boob-baring
ladies that deeply offends me. Not because they are
drawing attention to their breasts instead of their brains. Not
because they are sending out the signal that, to be a successful
female artist and/or entrepreneur, you have to
show us your t*ts.

I even enjoy the fact that these women, most of them over 35,
two of them with multiple children, still have such great
trainer-toned bodies that they probably didn’t
even need to be airbrushed—at least, not that
much.

But rather, the whole thing offends me because
it so boring.
Its so boring Im
even having trouble coming up with words to describe how boring it
is.

Theres just something not sexy about taking
off your shirt for millions of dollars so you can flog designer
water packaged in bottles that are destroying the planet, as

Jennifer Aniston does in her SmartWater ads. Nudity as
corporate shill is just so—yawn.

Nor is there anything titillating about posing in only a
mans tie, as
Heidi Klum does in an ad for Project Runway, to boost
the ratings of the reality show that made you a multimillionaire
but that isnt even remotely relevant anymore.
Heid is boobs, lovely as they are,
dont entice me enough to want to watch
Lifetime, and never will.

At least
Gwyneth Paltrow, posing topless for the UK edition of
Vanity Fair, isn’t actively plugging a
product, but in reality, she sort of is. She appears as part of
Vs jewelry
feature(i.e. paid advertisement) and is draped in
an array of Louis Vuitton baubles,
according to The Daily News. Im
betting a few of these baubles made it back to her
jewelry box. I do, however, admire the fact that Gwynnie never had
her minimal assets artificially enhanced.

Surprisingly, its
Paris Hiltons topless spread that bores me
the least. Her photos for V magazine are bold and edgy,
and, with her hair cut in sharp
Brigitte Bardot layers and her eyes rimmed heavily in kohl, she
looks nothing like the frothy bubblehead weve
come to expect.

Yet she doesnt do herself any
favors by referring to herself as a Barbie
doll and yammering on about “the Paris Hilton
brand
.” If her photos aren’t tedious, her words are.

None of this is really artistic, which is probably what these
women have told themselves it is, and, considering that the shots
are so coy and don’t even really show
their boobs, it’s not daring either. You
wouldn’t think that beautiful celebrities going
topless could be a yawn-inducing experience, but somehow they have
made it so.

Maybe next time they will shock and inspire us with their brains
rather than bore us with their breasts.

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All The Topless Ladies (Put A Shirt On It)

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