Staler-than-last-year’s-fruitcake weekend left-overs
Here’s a good article
OFF THE RACK US Cover: Will the waking nightmare of privilege that is Kate’s life ever ease? No, it will not. And it’s especially terrible around Christmas, which is “protocol laced with pitfalls” and a nearly un-navigable maze of outfit changes, church and presents. If only Kate was an unemployed mother of five who’d just lost her house, she wouldn’t have to suffer through pheasant hunting. What’s so bad about pheasant hunting? Kate will not be allowed to wear jeans
OFF THE RACK
Cover: Will the waking nightmare of privilege that is Kate’s life ever ease? No, it will not. And it’s especially terrible around Christmas, which is “protocol laced with pitfalls” and a nearly un-navigable maze of outfit changes, church and presents. If only Kate was an unemployed mother of five who’d just lost her house, she wouldn’t have to suffer through pheasant hunting. What’s so bad about pheasant hunting? Kate will not be allowed to wear jeans. Her life is a modern Christmas tragedy with a sprinkling of medieval torture.
This week in mysteries: Yes, why could Sandra Bullock possibly have trust issues and be afraid to date? It’s a mystery. On the upside, at 47, she is now so, “perfectly tight and toned” it’s “hard to believe her age.” Whew. She might just have bought herself one or two more years of career.
Cover: Happy anniversary! This is the 200th tabloid cover attempting to stuff something into Jennifer Aniston’s womb. BUT! This particular story has a solid source (and I swear I’m not making this up): A nosy neighbour who says his/her kitchen overlooks Jen’s bedroom and that he/she’s seen Jen looking bloated and eating Haagen-Dazs and not drinking and not “lifting a finger.” By that measure, except for the not drinking part, I should have at least 25 children. On the upside, it shouldn’t be too difficult for poor, sad Jen and her hot, looks-like-he’d-do-OK-in-a-fight boyfriend to find out who the creepoid stalker is.
This week in that’s kinda the point: Someone who has no idea about anything says Miley smoked so much pot, “her eyes were glassed over and she was talking gibberish.”
Cover: So, in the least surprising story of the week, Kim Kardashian went to Haiti to make it look like she’s not a horrible, covetous person, but ended up spending her time with “well-heeled” locals at a luxury hotel.
This week in more Christmas woe for Kate: Not only will Kate be forced to wear corduroy when she goes pheasant hunting, there’s also the very super-real, indisputable, certain possibility that her husband totally wants to get some of that Pippa action. Oh, yes. Everyone is in love with Pippa, including William, who’s invited her to Christmas so he can stare at her Christmas rump during carol singing. Or something. And, don’t you know it, this could bring down the monarchy. Just like that. We live in perilous times, indeed.
POP GOES THE WEEK
This week in The Kardashians (because most real celebrities are taking a holiday break from spotlight-seeking and I need something to fill this space) 1) Lamar Odom’s new coach, Rick Carlisle, says Khloe is his favourite Kardashian. 2) Kim travels to Haiti to help the unfortunate. 3) Kendall Jenner, 16, poses in skimpy clothing for Lovecat Magazine. 4) Someone throws flour at Kim Kardashian’s friend Jonathan Cheban, yelling, “this is for Kris Humphries.” 5) Arbiter of taste and decorum, Janice Dickinson, calls the Kardashians “whores and sluts.”
Jennifer Aniston is voted the Hottest Woman of all Time by readers of Men’s Health Magazine More proof readers of Men’s Health spend too much time worrying about their health and not enough worrying about Raquel Welch, Marilyn Monroe, Halle Berry, Rita Hayworth, Charlize Theron, Brigitte Bardot, Mila Kunis, Elizabeth Taylor and Lauren Bacall and Coco Austin.
On her way to a boat party in Hawaii, Lindsay Lohan loses her $5,000 Chanel bag, which contained her passports, other personal documents and $10,000 Well, at least she didn’t lose her common sense.
Tom Cruise says he and Katie took hip-hop classes while he was preparing to star in Rock of Ages Dear Thor, Baby Jesus and Fire-god of Sysxon: I never ask you for anything, so I think you owe me some medium-quality video of those classes.
An Italian woman leaves 10 million Euros to her cat Whiskers von Diamond Paws IV will take his grain-fed, organic, Champagne-poached giblets in the library. It will cheer him up while he worries that 10 million Euros isn’t what it used to be.
Charlie Sheen’s ex Brooke Mueller’s 278th attempt at rehab will be conducted at home It’s been shown to work as well as clinic treatment. Also, Dimebag Bo knows the address.
Jessica Simpson will get paid $3 million for losing her baby weight with Weight Watchers Says Whiskers, “That’s the difference between real privilege and the desperate, plebeian graspings of the nouveau riche, borderline proletariat.”
Jennifer Love-Hewitt is seen carrying around the self-help book, Why Men Love Bitches Congratulations, Jennifer Love-Hewitt’s next boyfriend.
Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane Oscar is up for auction I’m just going to go ahead and stop you before you try anything containing the word “rosebid.” –ed.
Angelina Jolie says that Christmas shopping on Amazon confuses her So, once again, the kids will be getting toys, ponies, clothes, bikes, electronics and souls scarred by the constant flashes of the photographers.
Jennifer Garner says she’d do anything for husband Ben Affleck That explains why she walks like … change of plans. Go crazy with “rosebid.” –ed.